~ Living or Dying ~

I feel like I'm in a hole with no way out. I don't want people to know how I'm feeling and yet something compels me to tell them. What is it? Fear? I just want to be normal again. I never realized how much depression effects people; than again I guess you never do until you yourself are in the middle of it. What's wrong with me??? People say I have so much to live for, and yet I can't see my future. Do I have one?

Before Emma died, I had so many dreams and goals. Now I feel like my life is over. I'm planning college and next semester, and the truth is I don't want to go on in school. What keeps me going? What is it that is keeping me here in this world? Fear of the unknown? Maybe it's that I have a few things that I need to see before I leave. I need to see Jeremy go to regionals and Josh play in his first game. I need to see Chloe turn one, and watch Cass graduate. I have to go to summer camp with Kris and Katarina. After that I'm not sure. What is my purpose in life? Where is God? I never before questioned being a child of God. I loved being His daughter. But why do I feel so far away from Him? Trying to get back in touch with him is painful and hard. We are so out of touch. I have to be here for a reason right? I want Emma back💔💔😢 why did she leave us??? She tried so hard😐 She was a fighter! She gave us so much more than we thought she could. She was so little!❤ I can still feel her cold little body in my arms. I think I kissed her tiny nose, but I don't remember.

There is nothing more heart wrenching than watching a mother and father crying over the loss of their daughter. I think the darkest place that I have  ever been in was that hospital room the day after Emma died. Seeing parents in a room with their baby girl dead beside then, is something that I never want to see again.

What kind of God let's things like this happen? Why would he let parents leave a hospital without their child?💔 Will I ever be able to wrap my head around this?