~ Confused ~

I'm not sure why I'm even writing today; because in all honesty I have 5 essays to write and get memorized by Wed at 8 am, but I'm the worst procratenator when it comes to philosophy😐 So here I am.

Don't really know why I chose this pic for today's entry, but I thought that it was super cute! Perhaps it's because these days it is the little things in life that keep me going. Like hanging out with Ian and all my other amazing friends. Going on random adventures and lending a helping hand to a friend in need. I love waking up in the morning and not knowing what the day holds and then find it's so much better than I could have imagined.

Life is so full of mysteries, and for the most part I love mysteries! But there are some mysteries that I don't like. For instance having questions to as to why bad things happen to good people. Why a God would take a child from their parents and so many other of life's many questions.

We had a unique kind of service this Sunday. It was a follow up from Easter, and it was really good. And yet it reminded me of just how far I am from God right now. Almost if there is no connection between us. I dont know how to get by that. They had communion and I didn't take it; because I felt like it wouldn't be right. Part of me thought that it would be disrespectful to God not to take it, but part of me thought it would be even more disrespectful to take it when we have not be in unity. I'm so confused!!

I've stopped eating right and mom is so worried. I dont want her to worry. It's just gotten to the point that because I've gone so long without eating right that when I do eat I feel really sick.

I feel like I have a mission in life that I  was born to fulfil and yet I've lost the passion to complete it. I don't know why I do things from day to day, like it don't have rhyme or reason. I'm just trying to stay alive. I can't decide if I'm glad that Ian told mom and dad or not. Part of me wishes they didn't know that way they didn't have to worry so much. But than because he did tell, I felt safe enough to talk to Kris about it. What will happen now? Truly I don't know. Mom wants me to see a counselor, but I'm really just so done opening up to people💔😢 I really don't think that this pain will ever go away!

I'm thinking of leaving the youth group for a while. I think that I've failed the kids there😏 I haven't been the leader that I needed to be for them, and I'm not in a position to lead them now. I can't really handle Kris' sermons right now either. They are just really personal and I feel like he is preaching directly to me. He says that it's not just for me that there are others he is trying to reach. I believe him, I just can't deal with it. I might try going to Ian's church, but we will see. Thing is, if I just leave the church all together I don't think that I would come back. And it's not the church that I'm upset with, they didn't do anything to me. It's God. Am I even making sence?

Well, I've rambled quite enough for one day, I will leave you now.

~ 💔 Broken & Searching 💔 ~